50 Observations About Food

1. The older I get, the more I prefer Salsa to Catsup.
2. There is nothing that can be made better, that cannot be made better with a few drops of Texas Pete Hot Sauce.
3. Please, take it easy with the mayo.
4. It’s actually comical how much cream cheese bagel shops tend to slather on bagels, even when you only ask for a “smear.” My local shop tends to add enough to feed a family of 4 for a week.
5. I’ve never tried a tuna melt. It just doesn’t make sense.
6. Butter. Use sparingly. Margarine. Not at all.
7. I’ve learned to tolerate wheat bread. But white still makes me happy.
8. The best ice cream in the world is called Seventh Heaven. It comes from a dairy in Trenton, NJ called Halo Farms. This is not up for debate.
9. If you’re going to eat a cheeseburger, make it a good one (say Five Guys). And you’ve already crossed the line, so you might as well go ahead and get the fries and Coke along with it.
10. McDonald’s French fries. Competition is none.
11. Best fast food sandwich. Chick-fil-A. I wish I had one right now.
12. Best breakfast sandwich of all time. The Egg McMuffin. A stunning achievement in efficiency, cost effectiveness, convenience and taste.
13. It’s not dessert if ice cream is not involved.
14. The prepared foods at Whole Foods are average at best.
15. The processed foods at Trader Joe’s are world class.
16. People in Philadelphia take their sandwich making seriously. Walk into any deli anywhere in the city and you can bank on getting a masterfully prepared hoagie.
17. By the time you are 7, your cereal preferences are set for life. Currently for me it’s Kellogg’s All Bran mixed with Cheerios and a splash of Honey Combs. I don’t know, it just works.
18. Fruit for lunch. Veggies for dinner.
19. If she can’t make great scrambled eggs, that’s a bad sign.
20. The richest man in the world can’t get a better doughnut than Krispy Kreme.
21. There is nothing more sublime than going to a really nice restaurant -- great ambiance, great wine, great conversation – and ordering a phat juicy cheeseburger.
22. It’s really hard to screw up pizza. But the good folks at Domino’s give it their best shot.
23. Fried chicken should be prepared by somebody’s grandmother. She should be from down south and partial to cast iron skillets. If all of these stars don’t line up, lower your expectations.
24. Tostitos. I hope somebody at Frito Lay received some sort of lifetime achievement award for inventing those things.
25. You pretty much only need plain, blueberry and cinnamon raisin bagels. All other varieties will end up being picked over in the break room.
26. Thanksgiving. Don’t worry about counting starches. Yes stuffing is essential. But I also need rice and bread and wouldn’t be mad at potato salad.
27. Speaking of potato salad. Mustard based only please.
28. If we’re talking mass-produced cookies, then I gotta say Thin Mints are the best. I respect the Oreo, got love for Nutter Butters, but Thin Mints stand alone.
29. For the entire 14 years of our marriage, my wife and I have gotten each other a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cake for our birthdays. We’ve never missed a year. It’s the little things. That’s what love is.
30. Sherbet is better than you think it is.
31. In general, soup is too watery. I like mine thick, more stew than soup really. When I open a can of soup, my first step is to pour out half the broth.
32. Potato chips are like crack. I can’t have them in the house.
33. I wish I liked oatmeal.
34. I’ve never been comfortable using chopsticks. I mean, I can get by, but I can’t help thinking that it would be much easier to just use a fork.
35. My wife makes the world’s best brussel sprouts; slow roasted, drizzled with expensive olive oil and seasoned to perfection with imported sea salt. I still don’t like them.
36. Half of a deli sandwich is not enough, but a whole one is too much.
37. Everyone loves sliders.
38. Even at the most elegant wedding reception, pigs in a blanket are a welcome sight.
39. It’s fine to have salmon, grilled asparagus and other fancy fare at your cookout. It’s just not necessary. Burgers, hot dogs, chicken. Done.
40. Why is Sweet & Low so much sweeter that actual sugar?
41. Wait, on second thought, don’t answer that.
42. There is an inverse relationship between things that taste good and things that are good for you.
43. You can spend hours making a great pasta sauce, or minutes making a damn good one. Here is the easy way: Step 1) Open Jar, Step 2) Pour into pot, Step 3) Heat.
44. The window for eating bananas is much too small.
45. Ritz crackers. That’s keeping it real.
46. Guys, steer clear of white wine. It's hard to look gangsta while sipping Pinot Grigio.
47. I was 28 years old on the day I had my first cup of coffee. I haven’t missed a day since.
48. Coke Zero is a modern miracle.
49. I don’t care if the large is only 25 cents more, I can’t possible eat that much popcorn!
50. A cold night, a warm blanket, a hot drink, a good book.